What Am I Doing With My Life?

You know, I'm 19 and feel that my life is not what I was expecting it to be. It's not that it's in a bad place, it's very "eh." My definition of "eh" is average. Average is fine, but I don't consider myself an average person. I can remember a time when I was younger when I dreamed of these days: being independent, being free, partying with my friends, traveling, meeting new and interesting people; the normal dreams of the future we all think of. Well, tonight, I looked at my life for what is was and I saw things that did not impress me: still depending on my mother for guidance, still tied to suck-ish job that pays better than most, but I could always use a little more, and in-which I'm sure everyone could.

Right now, I am sitting in my little room and in the background as I type these words is that damn Miley Cyrus and her hit, "The Climb." My sister's radio is faint, but by now I know every single word to that damn song. And as I type these words, and listen to the faint, nasally sounding Miley, I think of her lyrics: there will always be obstacles in life. But. What happens when you don't have any obstacles? What if instead of a jungle, you are in a desert, with rolling hills of sand everywhere and you can't see anything for miles? My life is not a struggle in which I am grateful for, but there is no zest, no passion. What Am I Doing With My Life? It always seems that as soon as life gets exciting, I go through these desert periods.

It's interesting. I have been through this before and I don't expect life to be some roller coaster, but it scares me when it stands still. Or maybe... Maybe, it's not standing still: I am...

You know. I have learned that when something happens in your life, it's not a coincidence. And if it's something you don't like, there is reason why it shows up. Maybe I am standing still because... Because maybe I don't want to get hurt again. Standing still is safe, it's comfortable; even though I hate it, I'm doing it. Isn't that funny? We always do what we say we never will do. "Never say never,"Rob (stepdad) would say. Perhaps I need to stand still. Yeah.

I'll do that. For now at least.

-Louise